Friendships when you are an adult are so much more complicated than friendships when you are a child.
I watch my children with others (partly because I know they each have triggers that need to be avoided to help with their anxiety and autism, partly so that they don't push the boundaries too far and partly because I am their mum and not a coffee mum), I see them joining in with other children, asking if they can be friends and forming games together with them. Even Miss G, with anxiety, PTSD, autism, sensory processing difficulties and selective mutism manages this beautifully.
So why is it different for adults? At what age do we stop going up to someone we see as a potential friend and asking them outright if we can be friends?
Imagine how much simpler adult life would be if we could form friendships in this way.
As an introvert, I have always found friendships difficult. I have tended to form power imbalanced friendships that have been toxic. It is only through experience and abuse that I have been able to see those for what they were.
Following domestic abuse and counselling I have ended up finding it extremely hard to trust people.
This means I often make friends, but struggle to go beyond the first stages of friendship and really open up to them, trust them and strengthen the friendships. I do find that easier online than in person, but still have my guard up. Those friends that I do have, who I have managed to talk to about real things in my life are special people.
Currently I have three of these friendships. Each of those friends are people I know I can chat to about anything and not have to worry.
Two of the friendships I have were made through Miss G. She made friends with the daughter of one of them and then we got chatting and had a lot in common. She then introduced me to her friend and we also had a lot in common. They are both parents, have had similar relationship dramas as me and are genuine people. No facade or pretence. That is really important to me.
The main problem I felt when we moved I to this adapted house was moving away from them. We are still in the same city, but it feels so far when I can't drive or get out by myself.
The third friendship I have with someone that I can talk to was made almost instantly. When I started going to the day centre I felt like it was my first day at school, or in a new job. I was so so nervous. Then, to make things worse I crashed into someone else there who also uses a wheelchair whilst trying to get out of the way of someone else. Not a serious crash, but enough. I instantly apologised, saying I was always in the way and he said the same thing. That was that. We started chatting and haven't stopped. My family all meet up with him and his PA once a week as well as the day centre now and all get on really well too.
I have no desires to have lots and lots of friends, I would rather only have a few close friends I know I can trust.
As adults we have to work at friendship. We have to make time for each other, check in on each other and stay in touch.
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